PUSH

PUSH

Pray
 Until
   Something
     Happens

Tonight. I need a big PUSH.  I'm at that moment where I'm grateful I don't own a gun.  I'm at the moment where I grateful I only use knives to chop veggies.  sometimes it hurts to breath.

One big step forward. and that next step in...midway...down I go.  hard hit to the ground. takes my breath away. stuns me. didn't see it coming.  what just happened? everything was going so well.  no one is around.  just me on the ground. how did i get here? 

get up.  keep walking. gingerly. quietly. be cautious.

breath.

smile so no one knows how bad you hurt.

One big step forward. Bam.  another hit!  wait....what?  again? 

repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat again.  it's only the 49th day of the year and i have no idea why i wake up every day. 

PUSH!  Push. push.
something good has to happen. something good has to stick.

If you love someone...

I love Sting.  His strong, handsome features. His gritty voice. His musical talent – bass guitar and front man. The best of the best often don’t stand out, but rather thrive behind their instrument. Phil Collins and the drums, Sting and the bass, Billy Joel and the keyboard. I think they would be okay just playing, but then the world would be lacking. Have you ever watched them just sing?  They seem to be missing something. 

Back to Sting—song writer, English teacher, musician, businessman, swoon!
1985.
The Police.
Dream of the Blue Turtles.
If you love someone, set them free.

Richard Bach is originally tagged with that expression: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours; if they don't, they never were." As if people were homing pigeons.  By the way, I can't seem to locate the exact place where Mr. Bach penned those words...so if anyone knows. 

And since I can't find the reference it quite interferes with my whole thought process.

Is this an expression of literally letting go? What if that person loves you back?  Do you still set them free? Is this an expression of releasing the other person from their demons? Or letting the one you love free to work, play, have friends, and have experiences outside of the relationship, and it’s okay because the relationship is strong?

My mom was an amazing woman. She did the housewife thing better than the Queen of England does whatever it is she does. She painted, she gardened, she raised 5 kids (albeit we are a dysfunctional lot,  yet none of us are in jail), she worked for the chamber of commerce strengthening the bonds in the community, she planned events, cooked like only a mom can cook, she had an amazing understanding of language, had impeccable handwriting, the list goes on. From the outside, she had her shit together despite the years of abuse from her parents, having her home vanish under the deluge of the flood of ’54, and practically raising her 8 younger brothers and sisters. Maybe my dad loved her so much that he set her free. Free to do what filled her heart and still came home every night to give her a kiss hello. Hindsight is 20/20 and my parents had a wonderful relationship.

I'm 3 years and 2 months post divorce.  He is set to be remarried this May. I've recently started dating, and allowed myself to let down my walls and let someone in.  It felt amazingly comfortable until it felt weird. The immediate reply on the text messages stopped.  The tone of the reply, once it came through was trite and cold.  One last try to reach out and say hello resulted in that message where he has connected with an old friend and there's something there, needed to let you know.  Did I love him?  Probably not at this point, but there was definitely something there. For me.  

He showed me what it felt like to be spoiled.  He held my hand in the car. He held my hand in public. He protected me from falling in the snow, down hills, while crossing the street.  He stole kisses at stop lights. We danced. We talked.  He didn't have TV, so conversation was a must, but it never felt like we needed the distraction for entertainment. I loved the conversation. I loved his stories, his voice, his kind eyes. His kisses on my neck. I loved that he works out every day because it's cheaper than therapy. I loved that he felt comfortable enough with me to share intimate details of his life and those details left me wanting to dig deeper, to find out more about this man, with salt and pepper hair, and beard, who has me intrigued. He had me under his spell and I was ready to go all in. I was ready to push through those moments that relationships have to push through. I was ready to take all the parts that I messed up on before and do them better and do them right.  He, I felt, would be worth the effort.  And then I graciously let him go when he said he needed to see about this other person. An old friend. 

I let him go.